Uncle Sam Wants Me

Greetings! Why is it that government agencies think it will soften the blow if they start out official summons with those words? That won’t make us feel better about being drafted and possibly deploying to a war zone, will it? Yes, I know that dates me, since the draft is long gone. However, I didn’t feel any better about jury duty when the summons started out that way.

I had never been called before. While I was waiting in the Central Jury Room reading the literature, I figured out why. They don’t want you if you’re on probation, and I used to spend a lot of time on probation. Yep, I’m a criminal. Been on probation twice, totaling a year. Funny thing, if your dog escapes from the yard, you get charged. Frankly, I think Sugar’s the one that should have paid the probation costs and done the time. But, it was me both times that stepped up to the plate and pled guilty to leash law violation. On the up side, I took the fine out of her allowance, and it kept me off jury duty for a few years. Then I got the letter.

After my initial reaction, I was kind of thrilled—ready to do my civic duty, serve my community, help the mighty wheels of justice turn, etc., etc., etc. Until I got to the courthouse. Being a punctual person, I showed up early. So did half of San Antonio. We all waited in a line—a very long line, for a half an hour until the doors opened. Once they herded us inside, we waited another half-hour for the judge to swear us in. The judge said she’d listen to any statutory reasons we had for being excused and to line up to see her. That line was also really long. I didn’t bother. At this point, I was still fairly pumped for jury duty.

Luckily, a friend of mine was there, and we passed the time talking with another potential juror. After a long time of no activity, we lost most of our community spirit. So, we started devising great excuses to escape. After two hours, we had reached the limit of serving our country. We knew what wouldn’t work, as a man on crutches who could barely walk wasn’t excused, so we knew we’d have to be creative. Of course, by the time we finalized the list and was ready to put our plan into action, it was too late. But, I’ll pass them on to you. This is what we came up with. Let me know if they work.

1 – They let you walk around while you’re waiting, because they have loudspeakers everywhere to call you back in. Yes, even in the bathroom. While wandering around, I was real tempted to pull the fire alarm. The up side of using this one is you’d immediately make about 400 friends, but the down side is you’d probably get arrested. Of course, if they put you on probation…

2 – I tried to talk Julio into grabbing his chest and yelling he was having a heart attack. He could leave, and I’d take him to the emergency room. Two people gone with one fell swoop. He didn’t want to, because he figured the police officers all knew CPR, and the officers were all men. Had there been a female cop, I’m sure he’d have gone for it. He was willing to suck on an Alka Seltzer and pretend he was having a seizure, but the cafeteria didn’t have any. Someone’s probably tried that one before, and they’re on to it.

3 – One way is so easy, I’m amazed no one thought of it. I did, but too late. When the judge swore us in, we all had to say “I do” as a group. What would happen if after everyone said, “I do” someone was to yell, “I DON’T!” No one did, probably because that seems almost too simple to work.

4 – Since you must go through metal detectors to get in and out of the building, you could set up a scenario to carry all the way through. Here’s what you do. Buy a wig. Go to a home improvement store, get a piece of metal and cut it to fit the top of your head. Now then, when you put the metal plate on your head and then put on the wig, it’s sure to set off the metal detector. You can tell them you have a steel plate in your head. This one might not work. Remember the guy on crutches? He didn’t even have to fake it, and they wouldn’t let him leave.

If you’ve tried all the above, and they still want you, you’re going to have to escalate your creativity. I got called as a potential juror. They called 20 of us and were going to use 6. That surprised me, as I thought they always used 12. I guess I’ve been watching TV too long, but I never heard of a movie called “6 Angry Men.” I know I could write a book about 400 angry people, based on what I’d seen in the Central Jury Room, but the 6 threw me for a loop. Julio helped me come up with good excuses to use in the courtroom, so I wouldn’t get picked for the actual jury. By now, my back was killing me, I had a headache, and I don’t think a defendant in the world wanted me on their jury after 4 hours of being amid all this semi-controlled confusion. Here’s what we came up with:

1 – Practice saying “You’re an idiot!” in front of a mirror. Make it look real. Get the shifty eyes going and twitch your shoulder a lot. No matter what the Prosecutor or Defense attorney say to you, reply “You’re an idiot!” If the judge gets angry, just curse them out and tell them you have Tourette’s syndrome. You’ll have to have a really filthy vocabulary to pull this one off, but after waiting all morning, that probably won’t be a problem. Wouldn’t hurt to yell “Get off” while pulling some imaginary creature off your shoulder. If you’ve already got the wig on, tap on the top of your head so everyone can hear the medal plate. If the judge is mad, you’ll need all the help you can get.

2 – They tell you that you can’t repeat anything that happens in the courtroom. Julio came up with a great idea. Tell them you’re a pathological repeater. Can’t keep a secret—even your best friend won’t tell you one. Chances are they won’t want you. If they still do, tell them, good, you have a real lust for law and this will make a great chapter in the book you’re writing.

3 – The guy on my right seemed to have the right idea. He was talking to himself. I think he confused the Prosecutor, because once the Prosecutor asked him if he had something to say. I know it was confusing me. I was trying to think of innovative reasons to get out of there, and he was distracting me. I was just on the verge of faking Narcolepsy when someone in the back fell asleep and I knew they’d never buy it. Besides, the guy beside me was keeping me awake.

4 – They’re going to expect you to say something like “Fry the crook,” so don’t even try that one. Turn it around. Blame the victim. For instance, the case they wanted us on was a DWI. Tell them people know there are drunks driving out there, and if someone gets hit by a drunk driver, it’s their own fault. They shouldn’t have been on the freeway in the first place.

In the end, I didn’t have to use any of them. Funny thing, just telling the truth seemed to work. I told them I never drank and drove and didn’t condone it in anyone who did. The Prosecutor wanted me to serve. I could tell. He immediately wrote something down when I said that. The Defense attorney didn’t seem too pleased, though, and I wasn’t one of the lucky six. Neither was the guy who talked to himself. When I finally was released, 8 hours later, I couldn’t find Julio. Poor guy, he’s probably still down there somewhere.

I did think of one thing that is actually a really good idea. I’m going to buy a t-shirt with “Thou Shall Not Judge” printed on it. Now I know the New Testament doesn’t put it exactly like that, but since this is on a t-shirt, I can’t put the exact words, or it would have to read “continued on the back” underneath it. But pretty much anyone would know what I meant. I’m just glad that when we finally get to Heaven we don’t have to go through this whole trial thing. Can you imagine how it would be, being judged by a jury of our peers? Having Father relate in front of everybody all the wrong things we’ve done in our lives?

Grace is a wonderful thing. We don’t have to endure the humiliation of our sins being aired in public. We don’t have to sit through a jury selection that might last days. We just have one person on our side—our lawyer, Jesus. When the judge wants to read the charges, he can’t, because they’re covered up with Jesus’ blood. We’ll be able to skip that whole trial thing and go right in the pearly gates. How very cool is that?

All in all, though, I feel pretty good about my jury service, and I feel civic minded. I wouldn’t mind doing it all again. Of course, I know that’ll change if I get a letter starting out “Greetings!” If that happens, I’m having the t-shirt made. My beautiful black Lab is no longer with us, but I might get another dog, throw it out the front door and call the pound. I know that works.