Patience is a Virtue?

If patience is a virtue, I might be running a little low on virtue. I’ve been told I have the patience of Job. And usually, I do. But some things just drive me up the wall. I’m not talking about people cutting me off in traffic, or someone who evidently just realized they’d have to pay for their groceries and spend five minutes digging through their purse, or waiting in line at the DMV. Okay, yes, those things will try my patience, but right now I have a bigger issue.

A little background. I don’t think Ed would ever describe me as high maintenance, but I will freely admit I’m spoiled. As you’ve probably figured out if you’ve read this blog before, since you know I spend a fortune on garden gnomes and other things necessary for backyard farming, but essentially needless. I have a bad back, due to an on-duty accident years ago, when someone fell asleep at the wheel and rear-ended my staff car. Since heat helps my lower back, it only makes sense I’d have a recliner with heat and massage in it. Right?

My recliner broke. The massage part still worked, but the heat didn’t, so we called in the repairman. If it had been the massager, I wouldn’t have bothered, because I don’t use it, unless I turn it on to make the cats run away and stop harassing me. For some reason, they’re noise averse. Come to find out, La-Z-Boy builds their heat into the chair, so unless something has come loose, you’re out of luck. We were out of luck.

A trip to La-Z-Boy was in order. BTW, yes, they’re expensive. Yes, you can get a cheaper recliner almost anywhere. But, no, they aren’t as comfortable, nor do they last as long. Ed’s La-Z-Boy is about a hundred years old and works fine. Unfortunately, about the time I got my recliner perfectly fitted to my behind, the heat went out and I really don’t like shopping. Unless it’s online for garden gnomes, or at Home Depot for some new tool I can’t live without. No, I am not a normal “girl.” Ed gets me CHRISTmas presents of really cool levels or a new jigsaw and I am thrilled. Not that I don’t also appreciate diamonds. High maintenance or not, I want a La-Z-Boy, not some knockoff version.

At any rate, we found a recliner I liked. Heat/massage and it was super comfortable. Right before I got ready to say, “Wrap it up!” I realized it wouldn’t work. This was a powered chair. Okay, no problem, right? Wrong. When the footrest comes up, the seatback goes back. It slightly reclines, but a recline, nonetheless. That makes it seriously uncomfortable for using a laptop. FYI, I write all my Great American Novels on a laptop in the recliner. I used to write them in the library on the desktop, then I discovered I could be lazy and creative at the same time and switched to the recliner.

I explained the problem to our super-nice salesman. He had the perfect solution. That same chair with heat/massage but not a powered footrest. Footrest comes up, back stays straight. Unfortunately, the one they had on the floor had gone to the warehouse, but we were assured it was identical and just what I wanted. So, we put in the order. As usual, it would be a six to eight weeks wait, while they built one to my specifications. Luckily, I still had my old recliner, so that wasn’t a problem.

At the four-week point, La-Z-Boy called. My recliner was in town and ready to be delivered. Woohoo!!! Not much better than an early arrival. When it got here, it was beautiful. It took about ten minutes for the delivery guy to set up the recliner and take the old one away. A few minutes after he left, I was sitting in a brand-new recliner. A brand-new recliner with a powered footrest like I’d tried in the store. Did we notice before he left? Of course not. Don’t be silly. It never crossed our mind that the new chair was missing the handle. We just thought the controller we saw was for the heat/massage. Wrong. Heat/massage and powered footrest.

A trip to La-Z-Boy on the following Monday when our salesman was there, and the correct recliner was ordered, along with a thousand apologies and instructions to keep the wrong recliner until the new one got here. Thank goodness for that. So, I’ve been living with a recliner that I actively hate. And that brings me to my lack of patience. Apparently, I have none. I don’t necessarily mind waiting another month or longer for the correct recliner, but this one is driving me up the wall.

In order to get out of the recliner, I must push the button and wait for the footrest to SLOWLY return to its down position. I timed it. Six seconds. It takes six seconds for it to go up or down. Maybe seven, since I had a hard time seeing the second hand on the clock. For people like me, who wait until the last possible second to visit the little girl’s room because they’re involved in doing God only knows what that’s more important, that’s a lifetime.

One of the things I am especially thankful for as I get older, is the fact we live in a one-story house. All our room additions have been out, not up. I don’t do stairs. I would like to, but my knees don’t, so stairs are a non-starter. They advertise those stair chair lift things on TV, for old people who live in a two-story house. The problem with them is the same problem as the recliner. They’re slow! I’ve told Ed on more than one occasion that if we lived in a two-story house, we’d have to get Tim Allen from Home Improvement to up the speed on a lift. If I had his number, I’d get Tim to hot rod this recliner for me.

In the overall scheme of life, I suppose six or seven seconds isn’t that long. But! Factor in the three or four seconds it takes for me to dig the controller out from underneath the cover to protect “their” chair from cats, and that’s about an hour of my life gone, just getting in/out of this stupid recliner. And that’s only after a few weeks. By the time the new chair comes, I’ll have lost about a year.

Sometimes, I laugh at myself. I have absolutely no patience for this stupid powered chair. The people who think I have the patience of Job are seriously wrong. Job put up with so much crap and I’m having a hard time living with a six-second powered recliner. About here, I should say I’ve decided to pray for patience, but that would be a lie. What I have decided is that once the new chair comes, assuming it doesn’t arrive powered, too, I’ll spend extra time thanking God for life’s conveniences. He’s given us so many. Even if people like me don’t fully appreciate some of the more innovative ones. Give me a heater and a recliner with a handle so I can get out of it in about one second, and I’m a happy camper.

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