Here’s What’s Bugging Me

Why did God create flies? I’m sorry—I don’t normally like to question His decisions; I figure He always knows best. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out what He was thinking. What possible purpose do they serve? Oh, sure, they’re good for flying around garbage cans, getting into the kitchen while you’re cooking, or letting the cops know where the dead body is. Other than that, I can’t see they serve any purpose except to irritate us.

Some bugs serve a useful purpose. Not fleas, of course. They’re only good for biting puppies and kitties and starring in flea circuses. Other than that, I put them in the same category as flies. And carpenter ants. Did you know they can fly? They invaded my apartment one time when I was living in California. The exterminator came in to get rid of them. I was a little sad, because I figured the ants could add on another room, but he told me it didn’t work like that. Must be the carpenter ant union they belong to. So, if they can’t build room additions, what are they good for?

Some bugs eat other bugs. Now that’s a bug I could really like. That’s why I let some spiders live with us. They’re good spiders, not the bad kind. I told one of the guys at work I let spiders live in our house. He was appalled. I’m pretty sure he won’t be visiting any time soon. I can understand why, he just got bit by a Brown Recluse spider—in a rather awkward spot on his body. Okay, that’s a bad spider. We don’t let them take up residence with us. Once years ago, I found a scorpion caught in a spider web. Woohoo! That wonderful spider saved me the trouble of pulling out a shotgun and killing the scorpion.

Scorpions aren’t just useless, they’re downright mean. We don’t let them live with us. Just in case you ever need to know how to kill them, I know one way that will work but it takes a very long time. Let’s say you’re taking a bath and one of them falls into the bathtub. If you quickly jump out of the tub, you can just leave it in the water to drown. Takes a couple hours. If you get frustrated, you can always scoop it out and drop it into the toilet. Just mention that you’re putting it in a whirlpool bath. He won’t complain so much when you flush him down.

I must make a few points about that, though. Speaking from personal experience since that happened to me, if you jump out of the tub and run screaming into the hallway, you will be completely dry by the time you’ve gone about six feet. Except for the being naked part, I would have liked for someone to time me. I’m pretty sure I was moving at the speed of light, which explains why I got air dried so quickly. The second point is that after you flush him down the toilet be sure to flush it a few more times. About 50 might work. Then you put in a jug of bleach and flush it a few more times. After that, about six times of using toilet bowl cleaner and he’ll be dead. Just to be on the safe side, I highly recommend using another toilet for a few days. If you only have one toilet, then my recommendation would be that you pour a bottle of ammonia in there, too, or go to the gas station to use their facility.

Now that I’m thinking of it, I’m not sure I can readily come up with any bug that serves a useful purpose. I’m sure there are some, but it escapes me. Ants start out being fairly harmless, then there’s a fire ant invasion. Bees make honey, unless they’re killer bees. The real bees, not the Saturday Night Live kind. And cockroaches? We don’t even want to go there.

Currently, we’re going through a rollie pollie invasion. In case you’re not sure what that is, that’s what we call pillbugs, because they roll up into little balls. Every year, about this time, we get some in the house. This year, they’ve started an official invasion, and I am now into daily rollie pollie genocide. No, they’re not dangerous. No, they won’t bite me. Yes, they are a nuisance and they…must…go. If you’re a rollie pollie fan, I’m sorry. I’ll take my chances with explaining to God why I’ve killed about three million of them. I’m pretty sure He’ll give me a pass, because they like to hide in the jets of the bathtub. They’re not scorpions, so I don’t have to quickly exit if one shows up when I’m in there, but I seriously dislike them. And how do they stay in the tub when I’ve shot water into the jets and cleaned them out before I get in? What the heck? I swear I can hear them snickering.

I like grasshoppers and crickets. The cats love them, too, except they just like to play with them. Torment them, as it were. I’ve had to scoop up more than one that unknowingly made its way into our house and put it outside. Normally minus at least one leg. The cats seem to think that most bugs are just glorified cat toys. And lightning bugs. How cool are they?

Which brings us to the big question. Why? What possible reason did Father have for giving us so many bugs? There are whole industries built around destroying them. And while I am normally against killing one of God’s little creatures, I am more than happy to smash a scorpion with a sledge hammer. I won’t step on them because I’m pretty sure they could get me through my boots, but I have no compunctions about using other means to off them. Other means normally consists of calling Ed. Bug killing is his job. Unless it’s one of my spider pets—they’re strictly hand’s off.

I can only think of one reason why He would make us have to cope with so many insects. And, while I’m thinking of it, when did He create termites? You know darn good and well that Noah didn’t have any on the ark or there wouldn’t have been an ark. Was that some afterthought on God’s part? At any rate, I think He created bugs just to bug us. (Sorry, couldn’t resist that one.) By that I mean, just when we’re getting cocky, thinking we’re all that, we get bit by a mosquito. I think it’s God’s way of keeping us in line. Letting us know who’s really in charge.

When we start thinking we can run our own lives without His help, He sends in a yard full of fire ants. Or a scorpion in the bathtub. As much as I like that concept—Father keeping me grounded if I get too big for my britches—I’m not going to let scorpions live in my house. If the spiders don’t catch them, I’m going to continue letting them take whirlpool baths. I’ll just have to answer for that in Heaven. Where I hope there won’t be any bugs. Unless He lets me have my pet spiders. That would be okay.